When separation is not a failure

Robert Neuburger tells the story of a couple from a very traditional religious background. They wanted to separate, but everyone around them kept repeating that it was a sin. He calmly reminded them: divorce, no, but separating, yes. No one can forbid it. That small shift in meaning opens a space to breathe. The therapist does not save the couple: they restore the freedom to think and to act.

Accompanying a separation is not giving up on therapy: it is accepting that the solution may lie in the end of the marital bond. But that requires first taking the time to situate the crisis within the couple’s life cycle.

Losing the sense of belonging

Robert Neuburger also describes the situation of a woman who leaves a partner she could no longer bear, and who nevertheless finds herself devastated. She thought she was freeing herself, but she lost something deeper: the sense of belonging.

In a couple, we do not exist only within the love relationship, but also within a system of recognition. We are “someone” socially, within the family, symbolically. When the relationship breaks, that status of belonging is lost. We find ourselves bare before the world, without the structure of meaning the couple provided.

The therapist must hear this dimension. A break-up is not reducible to emotional suffering: it is a systemic loss, an identity loss and sometimes a social one.

Mythical falls

Some moments of rupture are unusually violent. Robert Neuburger calls them “mythical falls”: the instant when an illusion collapses. He recounts the case of a man who announces his decision to leave in the middle of a session, without warning his partner. She is stunned. The therapist, witness to the scene, feels manipulated.

He then intervenes firmly: from the moment the couple no longer exists, no familiarity is acceptable. The other becomes a separate person, to be respected. This reminder of symbolic boundaries is essential. The therapist cannot prevent the separation, but they can preserve its dignity.

From the intimate to the familiar

Intimacy rests on love, respect and trust. But it sometimes slides towards familiarity, where each takes the other for granted. Deseroticisation sets in, the bond becomes sibling-like, then indifferent. In some cases this form of habit kills mutual recognition. It is often at that point that couples arrive in therapy, or decide to separate.

Taking away a positive memory

Robert Neuburger invites couples to turn the separation into a symbolic act. He often asks them: “Can you take away a positive memory, something that will nourish you for what comes next?”

This ritual makes it possible to leave the couple without erasing what existed. It marks the end of a system without denying it. That is the whole difference between a rupture and a separation: one destroys, the other transforms.

When the conflict shifts onto the children

With the disappearance of fault-based divorce, the question of guilt has vanished from the legal framework. But it has moved elsewhere, often onto the children. Disagreements over parenting, repeated complaints, court proceedings become the place where the marital conflict is replayed. The child then serves as symbolic currency to settle an emotional debt — at the expense of their fundamental needs.

Continuing to accompany after the separation

Robert Neuburger suggests not breaking off the accompaniment abruptly once the separation has taken place. Continuing to see each person individually makes it possible to work on rebuilding identity, on giving meaning and coherence back to what has been lived. Therapy then becomes a space where each can reclaim their own narrative.

Accompanying a separation is not a failure. It is sometimes the fairest point of balance between two trajectories that are diverging. It means allowing each person to leave without destroying, to separate without erasing what was built. When the crisis does not lead to separation, the work is instead about rebuilding trust.

To go further into marital dynamics, the online training “Les bases de la thérapie de couple” with Dr Robert Neuburger is designed for therapists. The full interview — in French — can be watched below.