By Julien Besse, psychologist and systemic psychotherapist
“Could you take care of it?” You have already said yes. You know everyone’s habits, you know what needs to be planned, and it will probably be simpler if you do it yourself. Only this time, you are tired. You would have liked someone to notice before asking you for yet another favour.
This scene can happen in a family, at work or among friends. Taking care of others sometimes does us a great deal of good. But this availability can become hard to interrupt, even when it costs us. We would like to catch our breath, without knowing what would become of our place if we stopped carrying everything.
This is the question I address in the video behind this article: what can become, in adulthood, of a responsibility taken on very early in the family? And how can we keep the possibility of helping while learning to receive?
A responsibility taken on too early
In parentification, a child takes on functions that go beyond what their age and needs allow them to carry. This can be seen in everyday life: looking after younger siblings, preparing meals, dealing with paperwork. It can also be far more discreet, when the child becomes a parent’s confidant or feels responsible for soothing tensions between the adults.
What interests me is the place this responsibility ends up taking. Can the child still be worried, make mistakes, ask to be looked after? Or must they keep watch over how others are doing before knowing what they are allowed to feel?
A single act of help, taken in isolation, does not answer this. In their research on children’s responses to conflict between their parents, Nuttall and colleagues (2021) show the value of also looking at parental support and the room left for autonomy. The relational context changes the meaning of what the child does.
I had already approached this question from the side of childhood in Parentification: when to worry and what to do? Here, I would like to take the reflection further, looking at what this place can leave behind in our adult relationships.
Parentification and parentalisation: being able to return to one’s place as a child
Parentalisation
In the video, I distinguish parentification from parentalisation. Parentalisation here refers to a responsibility that is temporary, acknowledged and rewarded. The child helps out, but can put this role down and return to their place as a child. Their needs still count.
Parentification
In parentification, the contribution may remain invisible, or even be disqualified. The family leans on the child, then reproaches them for taking up too much space. The child carries a responsibility without any real possibility of stepping away from it.
These terms are not used in the same way by all authors. Stéphanie Haxhe (2016) distinguishes in particular between help delegated to the child and a relational responsibility towards their parents. Other studies speak of “adaptive” or “destructive” parentification.
Acknowledgement therefore matters, along with the load, the duration and the possibility of handing over. A few words of thanks are not enough to make a responsibility bearable if the child is left alone to shoulder it.
Being competent can also become exhausting
By occupying this place, some people learn to anticipate, to organise and to pick up on tensions. These skills are valuable. It can be precious to acknowledge what a child has genuinely brought to their family, especially when they have never heard anyone put it into words.
In adulthood, a recognised skill can itself become a burden. You are entrusted with more because you cope well. You accept, you find a solution, and this confirms that you are the right person for the next request. Little by little, what you know how to do becomes what everyone expects of you.
The literature review by Dariotis and colleagues (2023), which brings together 95 studies, describes varied consequences, with difficulties but also possible resources depending on the situation and the support available. Recognising one’s own story in what is said here therefore does not allow us to infer a ready-made trajectory.
When others get used to what we carry
A systemic reading invites us to look at how this place is maintained in present-day exchanges. Take an ordinary example: you organise family gatherings. You think about the dates, the meals and everyone’s constraints. The others let you get on with it, sometimes gratefully. Since nobody spontaneously takes over the organising, you carry on.
Over time, everyone may come to regard this arrangement as self-evident. The others wait for you to send out the invitations; you interpret their waiting as proof that everything rests on you. This loop can go on for a long time without ever being discussed.
For some people, it is coupled with a more intimate fear: if I stop taking care, will people still want to be with me? Being useful can then become a way of reassuring oneself about the bond. Giving up a task seems far riskier than the task alone would suggest.
This hypothesis needs to be checked with the people concerned. Great availability can have several histories. On its own, it does not prove parentification in childhood.
Having what was given acknowledged
When someone has long taken care of others without their contribution being acknowledged, they may find it hard to value it. They play down what they did: it was normal, somebody had to do it, it wasn’t that hard. And yet it may have taken up a large part of their childhood.
The contextual approach invites us to take seriously what was given and the way it was received. I discuss this more fully in the article on relational injustices, invisible loyalties and repair. This attention can help to acknowledge a contribution without asking the person to keep on providing it.
This work does not always depend on acknowledgement from the family of origin, which may be impossible to obtain. A therapist or another trusted person can also help to put into words what was carried and what was missing.
Taking back responsibility without taking on all the blame
There is a difference between looking at what I do today in a relationship and blaming myself for everything that happens in it. I can question my difficulty in asking for help or my tendency to say yes too quickly. This can give me some room to try something else.
The same goes for how we look at families. Illness, bereavement, financial hardship or isolation may have greatly reduced their resources. Understanding these constraints makes it possible to see both what the family was trying to get through and what the child had to endure. We can hear the parents’ difficulties and acknowledge the child’s needs in the same conversation.
Trying out another place, with others
Change can begin with one specific task. In a relationship where you feel safe, you might say: “I usually coordinate everything. This time, I’m tired and I need to hand over. How can we organise things?” It then becomes possible to talk about the habit instead of waiting for someone to guess it.
Those around you may be surprised. You may even be asked again as if this conversation had never taken place. That does not necessarily mean nothing will shift; a familiar arrangement can take several adjustments. Still, there has to be real room made for your needs.
There is also the experience of receiving: letting someone prepare something for you, asking for support, staying with someone close to you without immediately trying to fix their problem. This can feel unusual, sometimes uncomfortable. What matters is being able to observe what happens in the relationship when you contribute less.
You can remain attached to others and enjoy taking care of them. The question is whether your relationship also leaves room for you when you are tired, unsure, or simply without a solution to offer. And if that room is too narrow today, who could you begin to talk to about it?
Watch the video
I develop this reflection in the video below.
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