The hypnotic dance of the couple

Doctor, in what way is the integration of cognitive hypnotherapy into the treatment of couples expressed?

To illustrate the hypnotic process, we could imagine ourselves travelling on a road; let us suppose we are driving from Jerusalem to Tel Aviv and that, all of a sudden, we find ourselves in the other city, without having been aware of either the time or the scenery (which we have unfortunately missed!).

What happened? I was more focused on my thoughts and internal images than on the journey itself. In the couple, the “hypnotic dance” is not centred on what is happening in the other, but on a process of self-hypnosis, a different state of consciousness, influenced by internal cognitive processes.

The therapist collaborates with the patient or client, the couple, to produce a different level of consciousness, to understand the “hypnotic ball”, to formulate alternative hypotheses and, finally, to focus on solving the problems.

How does this process occur, and how does it develop?

We start from several basic assumptions. First, a constructivist perspective: we create our own reality. This creation is itself a hypnotic process. In this case, the emphasis of treatment is placed on the interactions that occur within the couple.

Then, the therapist intervenes by identifying the couple’s attitudes, perceptions and mental images.

Cognitive hypnotherapy deals with images relating to being a couple, to the couple’s sexuality, to the way the couple creates its world — not what happens, but the way the members of the couple perceive and evaluate what happens, and behave according to that cognitive perception.

You mentioned perceptions related to their sexuality?

Sexual interaction is a hypnotic dance. Sexual desire, or its decrease, is also a hypnotic process linked to previous images and to our expectations.

There are negative hypnotic processes: in long-standing relationships, one may expect a decrease in sexual desire; that is a negative self-hypnosis process. From this follows the role of the therapist: to help the couple discover what the negative hypnotic processes are, to challenge them, refute them and modify them.

Images, expectations and negative self-hypnosis

For example, what images?

When the man comes home and has created expectations about what he will find at home when he walks in (for example: “I’m going to find my wife’s depressed face again”), his own negative expectations are an internal stimulus of the hypnotic process, which narrows the field of attention by focusing it on internal thoughts and images much more than on what is happening in “reality”; then, even if his partner expresses interest, attention, support, warmth, he is influenced by his internal processes and fails to recognise the contrary external stimuli — information, new data that contradict or question his perception and his cognitive evaluation.

This hypnotic process is a form of self-hypnosis that each member of the couple creates within themselves.

The role of the therapist is to identify, in each of them, what the negative hypnotic process is, then, from there, to look for contrary evidence that refutes it and to develop alternative images, according to the defined problem and the therapeutic goals.

All negative self-hypnotic processes (“Nothing can work, no therapist will be able to help me”) or interactional ones (when what the other says or does becomes the trigger for the start of the hypnotic ball) create a negative hypnotic ball; it is an “inoperative ball”, because it is ineffective. It does not facilitate the goal of continuing to grow, to develop, to be creative, to promote the quality of interaction and of sexuality.

The cognitive approach in session

In what way does the cognitive approach integrate into your therapeutic work?

In cognitive hypnotherapy, we use exercises to discover and identify alternative perceptions, evaluations, attributions or alternative meanings to the other’s reaction. The therapist notes them down and presents them as material for the next cognitive hypnotherapy session.

The hypnotic ball that each person dances is born of their hypnotic perceptions in the face of the other’s reaction. For example, depression can be perceived as an ineffective hypnotic solution to the couple’s problem. A person who separates from their spouse and adopts a hypnotic strategy such as depression will have difficulty finding an effective alternative solution.

The solution is to learn from this experience and to find a future partner as an alternative (if she wishes, but always as a better and more effective alternative than depression).

The therapist who adopts the cognitive approach connects with the subjective emotional reality of each member of the couple, with the intention of creating rapport or as an expression of empathy on their part, and also in order to obtain an alternative pattern for the future.

The role of the therapist is — once again — to identify the hypnotic phenomenon and its symbolic meaning, as it occurs in each of the members of the couple and between them.

The integration of the approaches — cognitive and hypnotherapy — aims to avoid “relapses” and “regressions” towards similar behaviour in the future. What is more, emphasis is also placed on transfer and generalisation to similar areas: “In the same way that you managed to overcome this problem, you will surely be able to use the resources you employed in the face of difficulties or problems that might arise in the future.” We reinforce self-efficacy, individual and as a couple, in order to prevent and identify future problems, and to solve them.

In the therapeutic process, according to this approach, are there defined stages?

Yes, there are, and these stages are: [the excerpt breaks off here]